


Dear ... , Love Donghyuck

by acrazyworldofdreams



Series: Love Donghyuck [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, Anxiety Attacks, Coming Out, Donghyuck deserves love, First Love, M/M, Multiple Pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 20:38:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15957074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/pseuds/acrazyworldofdreams
Summary: Donghyuck remembers all the boys he's loved before, but only one can have his heart now.





	Dear ... , Love Donghyuck

**Author's Note:**

> So inspired by all the fics based off the amazing film 'To All The Boys I've Loved Before'. Let me know who you thought he'd end up with in the comments & see if you were right :)

Dear Jaehyun

When I first met you, I was only 12 years old. I’d been best friends with your younger brother Jeno for 2 years by then, but we’d never really hung out at your house very much, so I’d never met you. I looked up to you so much, being 15 seemed like the coolest thing ever and you were so nice to me.

Remember the time I slept over, and I couldn’t sleep. You found me in the kitchen searching for a pan to heat up some milk in for hot chocolate. I remember watching you take over the task of cooking, I guess you didn’t trust a tired 12-year-old with a gas hob. I think that was the best hot chocolate of my life. You never really spoke to me much, always busy with your friends and school, and the swim team, but you always managed a hello. Asked how I was doing and all that. I felt special.

When you came out to your family, and announced you had a boyfriend, a one Kim Doyoung my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I hadn’t even known I was in love with you until that day. My heart hurt so much, Jeno had no idea why and I never told him or anybody else to that matter. You didn’t notice, but then why would you, we’d probably never had more than 5 full length conversations by that point.

After a while though, seeing you so happy, my heart started to mend itself. The best part about loving you was I had learnt how it felt like to be cared for by someone who expected nothing in return.

Thank you for showing me how to be a good person to someone else.

Love

Donghyuck

*

Dear Jaemin

If I was the class clown, you were the class joker. We always made the best team in the universe, I reckoned and at 14 my world revolved around you and your pink hair. To this day, I still have no idea how you managed to get away with having pink hair but hey that was just your charm.

You wormed your way into my heart in our final year of middle school, and Jeno’s too of course.

I think you were worried about entering High school without having really good friends to keep you afloat. I don’t know why. Everyone loved you, like I did. I’m not sure when it went from being best friends with you to being in love with you. Maybe it was the time you found out I was sick at home and rushed over after school with snacks and stories to keep me entertained.

Or the day you found me barely able to breathe in the bathroom, suffering from another panic attack. You didn’t know at the time, but that was one of the first ones I’d ever had. The idea of telling people I was gay was causing my emotions to go haywire and had started to cause attacks. You never asked why it happened, you just stayed with me. Telling me about dumb stuff Jeno had done.

I really didn’t mean to fall in love with you when you already had someone though., You know how much I loved Jeno too, not in the same way I loved you, but all the same I would never have told you how I felt.

At 15 years old and you found my lyric book with the songs I’d written about you, you only changed slightly in your behaviour. I noticed, and it hurt so bad. You were still my friend though. I never felt like you’d abandoned me because of my feelings. You still touched me, but it was never prolonged. You’d invite me over to sleepover, but you made sure either Jeno or Jisung were there too. I wished you’d said something at the time, now I’m grateful because we’re still friends today.

Even after everything else that happened. You were always such an amazing person.

I want you to know the drifting apart felt easier than having to face my feelings for you at the time. I joined the singing club and made new friends to get space from you, and from Jeno too but I never wanted to lose you completely. They helped me see there were more things to life than suffering in silence. Over time my feelings for you faded and that saved our friendship, though I do think part of me will always love you Jaemin.

Thank you for teaching me how to be a real friend no matter what happens.

Love

Donghyuck

*

Dear Renjun

You were there for me when I was falling out of love with Jaemin, and I never once thought about how you might feel about it. You listened to all my sad thoughts and feelings. I’m pretty sure you were there to witness way more panic attacks than anyone should have to. Seeing Jaemin and Jeno used to send me into such a spin, and it lasted for a whole year. I can’t believe you didn’t just abandon me.

We were 16 when I first realised it wasn’t Jaemin I thought of first when I woke up each day. My life had split into different parts. The time I spent with Jaemin and Jeno, and the time I spent with you and Chenle. Singing club was my favourite part of the day because of you. Sometimes I wished we could have had it more than twice a week just so I could see you more.

I loved the way your voice sounded when we hung out in your back garden looking at the stars, singing whatever songs came to mind. You were so good at the Broadway musical numbers. I could have listened to you for hours, which I did. When you leaned into kiss me for the first time, I lasted about 3 seconds before I pulled back and started to freak out. I know you thought it was because I didn’t like you, but it was because I liked you too much.

For the first time in my life I liked someone who liked me back. Did you notice how my panic attacks reduced to almost nothing when we were together? I learnt to see the world in a whole new way because of you. You even helped me reignite my friendship with Jaemin and Jeno, which by then had become dire, with too much water under the bridge or so I thought. You just decided one day you wanted to be their friend too and suddenly we the awesome foursome.

The day I told you I loved you was one of the best of my life. I was nearly 17 by this point and I finally realised what real love felt like. We were snuggling on your sofa in your huge empty house, and I just looked into those almond eyes of yours and saw the world. You were my world Renjun. I kissed you and told you those magic three words.

You told me them back and then broke the worst news of my life. Your family were going back to China. I guess that’s why you got me talking to Jaemin and Jeno again. You didn’t want me to be alone. I’m sorry I acted like a child and didn’t speak to you for a week. It hurt so bad. I know you knew that. When I finally got my act together, thank Jeno for that, I came rushing over begging for you to forgive me, which you did. Thank you.

Our final week together was the best week of my life. We did everything we’d always said we’d do, a road trip with our friends. We went to that abandoned airport with the awesome but creepy aeroplanes and jumped from the largest waterfall in our area. Camping out under the stars remains one of my most treasured moments. I’ll never forget you Huang Renjun.

Thank You for teaching me how to love someone more than I love myself.

Love

Donghyuck

*

Dear Jeno

Final year of school was a bit of blur. I think I never really recovered from Renjun leaving, and I turned to you for far more support than I ever should have. I’m so sorry I did that to you. To Jaemin. I hate knowing I’m the reason you two broke up. I didn’t deserve any of your love. I’m even sure if any of it was real.

I was mostly high or drunk our final year, you joined me on that path. I know we didn’t do anything before you and Jaemin broke up, but I still feel like I was the cause of it. You told me so many times that I wasn’t, but I could see the pain behind the lies. For as much as you loved me, you loved him more and you know what, I think it was the same for me. I just couldn’t forget Renjun.

There were some good times though. You and I were outlaws together. We did drugs together for the first time. Crashing that college party was crazy. Beer pong followed by strip poker. I lost my virginity to you and even now I don’t regret it. When you’ve known someone for half your life those kinds of things become less awkward. I remember feeling so loved and safe, which I think is a good thing.

However it was also the beginning of the end of our short time together. I think we both realised the love we had for each other wasn’t enough. I couldn’t bare seeing Jaemin in pain anymore either, and Renjun never said anything in our messages but I knew he was hurting too. It seems even when you break up with someone things don’t really finish at the same time.

I’m glad we’re still best friends, and no it’s not weird at all that I’ve seen you naked.

Thank you for being there for all the wild things.

Love

Donghyuck

*

Dear Mark

Leaving my friends behind to go to College was one of the scariest things I’ve done in my life. I was only 2 months into College when we met at a frat party. I was still in my wild phrase. You were fun and new. I so needed new by then. I felt like I’d loved and lost all my best friends. Not exactly the best thing for a person.

You were funny, hot, silly and smart. A combination of everyone I’d ever loved. At first, I didn’t think you even really liked me that much. My attempts at affection were rejected often. Was it because I was younger? Only by a year. It didn’t seem like much to me or maybe it was because I told you about all the boys I’d loved before and you thought I might be broken inside. Maybe I was a bit.

You let me join you for study dates at first. Determined to keep me in the friendship zone, but I wormed my way into your heart, didn’t I? Jeno had always said I had an exceptional ability to do that. I remembered watching you study and feeling all these tingles in my stomach. You reminded me so much of Renjun.

But you were also so different. You were such a dork, I loved it. You’d get excited about learning something new and you never missed a class. Most people saw you a nerd but then you had a darker side, which matched my own. We’d celebrate passed tests by smoking a joint, or we’d go out for pizza and beers at 3am. Weird little habits only we had. Eventually you let me kiss you. I’d wrap you up in my arms in your dorm and breathe in your lavender scent. Never able to get enough.

It was never an official thing. You wouldn’t let it be. I still don’t know why. I know you loved me but never enough to commit to me fully. I think I saw the end coming before you did. You’d cancel study dates, and only let me kiss you three times instead of like ten.

The day you told me you didn’t want to be with me anymore, hurt like fuck. I knew you didn’t but I so desperately wanted someone to love me. I was never anyone’s first choice it seemed. You loved someone else you told me. Fuck them I said. I don’t care if you don’t love me, just don’t leave me.

Looking back now, thinking about the look you gave me, the one of sadness. You told me I deserved more and that’s why you couldn’t stay with me anymore. That you loved me too much as a friend to let me fall any deeper in love with someone who didn’t love you back.

Thank you for doing that Mark. I didn’t say it at the time, but you reminded me what it was to be loved properly.

Love

Donghyuck

*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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*

Dear You

The day I walked through the park on my way to work and caught sight of the back of your head was the day my life restarted. I’d loved so many boys in my life, but no-one ever compared to the way I loved you.

You were special.

The look on your face too was priceless, you had half a sandwich hanging out of your shocked mouth. You’d been on your way to an interview for a new job. I was the last person you’d expected to see. It had been so many years after all. You gave me your new number and we arranged to grab dinner that night.

The moment you walked in Renjun, I could tell you’d gotten the job. You were so happy. Those almond eyes lit up. I remembered so much about who you were and wondered how much might have changed. You told me that day that you’d finally decided to come home. Life in China felt empty. College had felt empty because over the course of our time there, we’d all drifted apart; Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin and I. Life pulled us in too many different directions it seemed. I missed them.

You admitted to me how much you missed me too. My heart dropped into my stomach. You couldn’t be moving back because of me. But it turned out you were.

My heart beat frantically, not unlike the first time you kissed me, when you asked softly if I was seeing anyone. I replied honestly, ‘Yes, I’m looking at him’. The look of pure happiness on your face will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Thank you for loving me even when I forgot to love you my darling. I can’t wait to marry you tomorrow in front of all the boys I’ve loved before, because for me you are the one and only boy for me.

I love You

Donghyuck

P.S – Don’t you think it’s about time Jaemin and Jeno admit they love each other still?


End file.
